Make It Stop, Let This End

Here lately, I haven’t felt the urge to write. I’ve been in a “funk” of some sorts and have let the best side of me lay dormant. This morning was an awakening on my ride to work. I’ve come to find out these last few years that coffee or tea and music is what my soul needs to find itself again.

As I was sipping my coffee, driving down the interstate, Rise Against came on while my phone was on shuffle. I wasn’t in any particular mood for music, so I thought why not, I haven’t listened to this song in ages. It was Make It Stop. As I listened to the lyrics of the song I found myself crying because of the hard message behind the words.

I’ve been struggling lately feeling as if I’m not enough. I’m too loud, too dramatic, too stubborn. I’ve focused so much on what I feel like my faults are and not the wonderful things I bring to the table. I’ve hit low points in my life that I’m sure other people have also hit and this morning, the lyrics made me feel hopeful. Like I did something right by choosing to stay and fight for a better world.

“From a nation under God, I feel its love like a cattle prod, born free but still they hate, a born me, no I can’t change.” This part of the song hit me hard this morning. Daily, I, and other people just like myself feel the “love” from our nation like a cattle prod. Where we are told as children, “You have the freedom to do what you want, love whoever, and be whoever!” This is blatantly false. There are still brutal murders of our trans brothers and sisters and hate crimes committed daily by people who simply refuse to accept that these people are just like you or me. We all feel, we all have people we love and are loved by others, we grocery shop, we watch the same TV shows, we all work and pay taxes. How are any of us different? Walking past me in the grocery store, trying to find the best option for dinner, you would probably never guess that I sleep beside a woman every night. The same one for nearly 6 years and I wouldn’t want it any other way. We are truly no different; who you sleep beside every night is none of my business and it should be the same for everyone.

The ending of the song reads off several names of teenagers. These young, sweet lives are the victims of this violent hate. It pains me to hear these names because I remember how it felt when I was their age and the fear and anxiety of what the future would hold for me and my family. It was a paralyzing fear and it’s hard to prevail from it. How many more lives have to be lost before people realize that EVERY life is precious, and hate is not the way?

I realize that most of my writing has to do with the fact that I identify as a member of the LGBTQ community; but it’s changed my life. Good and bad. I’m finally free and no longer hide who I am, but I lost my blood family due to this. I don’t regret being out and if I can help one person be comfortable with who they are or change someone’s mind about the hate; then I will die a happy woman. Every person is so much more than what society attempts to define them as. I am motivated to get this change started. Be proud of who you are, where you came from, and what wonderful things you will do.

“This life chose me, I’m not lost in sin, and proud I stand of who I am, I plan to go on living.”

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Somedays…

Somedays there isn’t enough coffee to handle the shit thrown your way.

Somedays there aren’t enough expletives to communicate how you feel.

Today is one of those days and it’s not noon yet!

Looking back at my resolutions I try to think of ways to turn this into a “good” situation.

  1. I have a job, it pays my bills.
  2. I can go get more coffee at any time I choose to.
  3. I can say “fuck” as many times as I want because I’m an adult.

Gotta find the perks and the silver lining of even the worst days; mentally and physically.

Out With The Old, In With The New

Hello 2019! The new year is always a time of reflection for me. I’m guilty of making resolutions and not sticking to them, but this year I’m focusing more on my mental health than anything. Here are some things that I want to get better at for 2019:

  • No more negative self-talk
  • Stop complaining about everything
  • Say “No” more often
  • When something goes wrong, find something going right
  • Take better care of my mind and my body

These are the 5 things I want to focus on to shift my mind and body into a healthier, happier space. I’ve written these down and are determined to stick to it 😊

 

 

Now…..as for the December Reading Challenge. We all rocked it! I read a total of 7 books and loved 6/7! Currently on another SJM book and finishing the trilogy of Witch Eyes. We’ve all agreed that next time we want to do a reading challenge, December is not the month to do it.

 

Happy 2019 everyone! May this year be everything you need and more! I’m looking forward to more regular writing on here for 2019!

December Reading Challenge

The begin of the end is near! Like most people; I feel like 2018 left something to be desired. Having some mediocre hopes for 2019; one of my friends suggested a reading challenge for December. Loving the idea of ending this year with new books and new characters to fall in love with; we all said yes!

Our goal is 5-8 books. To me that doesn’t sound like a lot, but we’ve all got travel planned and work full-time jobs so it leaves our evenings limited.  Depending on how much free time I have, I spend majority of it reading. For Christmas, I had several new books on my list and I know this will leave me with limited time to get these finished for the challenge, but I’m willing to try!

I’m one book in so far with another 2 on my Kindle ready to go! I’ve started The Forbidden Game by LJ Smith. I admit, the first story of the book, The Hunter, didn’t really leave me excited to start the other two. Send me some suggestions! What do you love to read? I want something REALLY exciting to keep my mind occupied while I’m off work for a December break! I’m looking forward to reading until 1 in the morning and waking back up to do it all over again. It makes me feel nostalgic! Back when books were my true escape and my adult responsibilities didn’t overweigh everything.

What’s on everyone’s reading lists? What are some books that I shouldn’t miss out on? I can’t wait to see how many books I can get into this month!

Paper Cuts

“It’s not like a stab wound you can protect me from. It’s a million-little paper cuts every day.” -Alec Lightwood.

When I read this quote, I completely felt this on a whole new level. Some people are probably thinking “Who is Alec Lightwood? Where is this from?” Alec Lightwood is a fictional character in The Mortal Instruments series by Cassandra Clare and he happens to be gay. The challenges he faces throughout this series caused a personal connection to this character for me. I myself have faced many of the issues Alec has.

This quote sums up what my days have been like the last few years. The whispers from people, the stares from others you thought you were friends. The one thing that hurts most of all; the family who disassociates themselves from you. Alec has had to face everything that I’ve gone through in my life with coming out. He has an extremely supportive sister; which I am insanely jealous of. My sister cut off all communication with me. His mother accepts his relationship, my mother refuses to acknowledge mine. His father refuses to accept his relationship, mine ignores it all completely. It’s the small things nobody thinks about. They truly are paper cuts that are given daily, and you have to go on like nothing is burning and you’re not in pain. I admit, over the years, it truly has gotten better; but just because something has gotten easier doesn’t mean that every day is going to be easy. Struggles are going to continue to happen no matter what.

Being out has given me the freedom I craved for so long in my life; but it came with its price just like everything else. I am finally true to who I am, but I have separate Holidays with my family because others refuse to be around me. Paper cut. Being treated as if you have a contagious disease because you don’t identify as a straight person is one of the worst forms of ignorance.  Paper cut. There are two beautiful blonde-haired boys who don’t know how much fun their aunt is. Paper cut.  I’m in a loving, healthy relationship with someone who is kind and smart and wonderful; but my family doesn’t see that. Paper cut. “When are you getting married and having kids?” Paper cut. Family avoiding you in public places. Paper cut. “You just haven’t found the right guy yet.” Paper cut. Being blamed for everything that goes wrong in my family. Paper cut.  Yes, I have a rebuttal to all these accusations; but stating my facts can get you nowhere when it comes to people so stubbornly set in their ways. The list could go on and on….it’s the same case for countless other LGBTQ people who have to endure an unsupportive family. “It’s a million-little paper cuts every day.”

With everything going on in the world right now, I feel compelled to let the world know that you are NOT alone, and that people truly care about you and love you. There is nothing wrong with you. There is something wrong with hate and being unkind. You are the light of the world. Be proud. Stand tall. Speak your truth! We are here, we won’t be erased, and we will not quit.

The Perks of Not Being a Tree

Another day, another dilemma I dream up in my head. This past weekend I had a huge event that I planned and implemented for my job. I was and still am utterly exhausted; mentally and physically. My job is not something I’m happy with. I feel like I am wasting my potential and talents at a place where my creativity and ideas are not celebrated or wanted. I had been dreading this past weekend for months!

So, yesterday I decided to de-stress and do some Halloween shopping with my best friend. We were driving and out of nowhere I just sad, “Why do we stay here? Why are we even here?” The full force of those words and the realization struck me hard. I am in a place where I travel 30+ minutes a day to go to a job where I’m unhappy and not using the college degree I worked my ass off for. I have hopes and aspirations and dreams that are what keeps me going every day. Am I in the right place to get these dreams started? Am I preventing myself from happiness? I looked at my friend and quoted an old inspirational quote photo I had seen once, “If we don’t like where we are, we can always get up and go, we are not a tree.”

I’ve always felt like I was meant for bigger things. I’ve always worked hard, and I believe my hard work will be rewarded. All these thoughts and ideas are being pent up and building in my head. Sometimes, it gets to overwhelming I don’t even know where to begin. I want to change things and begin going after these dreams, but that takes so much courage! I admire people who are courageous, and I need to learn to swallow my fears and go for it! The thought of this, taking that leap, scares the hell out of me; but I am pleased to say that I HAVE started going after these dreams! I took the leap of faith and reached out about pursuing my journalism dream.

I am not a tree. I have the power to do what my heart desires. If I choose to stay; I will bloom where I’m planted, but I am not a tree. I have options. I have ideas and dreams that deserve to be celebrated and enjoyed. Please remember, you are not a tree, you are not stuck. I believe in you to do what you want to do and to enjoy every damn minute of it!

It’s Not The End..

Here lately there’s been a few songs on repeat on my phone. Music is one of my escapes and without it I would’ve been dead a long time ago. Lyrics and melodies have always resonated with me. I can truly lose myself in a song and listen to it fifty times in a row and still find myself remaining absorbed into it.

One of these songs is Wide Eyed by Billy Lockett. There’s something about the soft piano and bass along with his amazing vocals. The first line of the song explains how we’re used to making everything up on our own and we don’t listen….we just do. As the song goes on his vocals get stronger and more pronounced showing the strength he’s getting from getting his feelings out and by the end of the song my inspiration is soaring! We always say we want to make changes; but implementing them is one of the hardest steps any of us can take. This song makes me realize I HAVE to be braver and be willing to take risks to get where I want to go with life.

Another song that’s an oldie but goodie is All The Same by Sick Puppies. I was obsessed with this song when I first heard it years ago and still when it comes on I can’t change it. I realize that by looking at the lyrics; it’s explaining the same things I get from Wide Eyed. We do the same thing, we say things will change, but we accept that we’ll never truly change them. This one has more of a feel with love in it. Love is something that inspires me daily. I cannot live without love and neither can you.

Love, music, and friendship are daily reminders that although the world may seem cruel and cold; there is so much to fight for. I refuse to be stagnant any longer. I was placed here for a reason. I am meant for more than what I have settled for. I am going to work for it. I deserve to do what I want. I will no longer let others make me feel inferior or that I don’t deserve what I want. This is me making my claim today that changes are coming. Open yourself up and let them in.